so after my all nighter i was keen to talk about my work. i told him about my work habits (typically embarrassing, but since i had a productive evening not so embarrassing). he asked whether the pain might be less of an issue if i was more productive. i said i wasn't sure...

he asked whether i was avoiding the pain, or whether i thought it didn't need talking about. i said i don't see what the point is in talking about it sometimes. don't know what to say about it. feel it involountarily often enough for me to want to run with the good feelings when they are upon me. he said something about how the point is meant to be that talking about them helps them not come upon me involountarily at other times. he put that very gently... i said that i knew he was right but i forgot that at times.

sigh.

i told him how having less sleep (when i'm in the middle of a work buzz) makes me feel alive, kind of. motivated and buzzing. that i probably tend to oversleep and that results in my feeling lethargic. he said that often less sleep is prescribed for people with depression and told me four ways of going about that (where three have been studied empirically). i might try giving that a go. i'm going to try working with my natural work schedule (to start work at 11pm and work through to 3am) too... see whether that helps the productivity...

i said i didn't think the pain would ever go away properly. but that in a way... i didn't want that to happen anyway, because it would be kind of like a betrayal of myself. he said he found that interesting. he said that we didn't need to talk about the pain every session, but that he didn't think that i should avoid it either...

and that is about it. takes so long sometimes... so long for just a few meaningful things to come out. i guess i'm gonna have to talk about the pain. i kinda understand that one. i was thinking 'thats ok i can handle that so long as i don't have to feel the powerlessness'. i mean... i'm not consciously aware of feeling powerless the way i'm consciously aware of feeling pain at any rate. but then... that just means that its influence on my behaviour is outside my awareness :-(

things can be hard sometimes.

and now... back to work.