Hello All -- My sense -- at least for today -- is that my depression is improving. That I am coming out of it. I've been rereading my journal, and noticing the themes, and I can see the generally upward curve despite fallbacks.

Of course, I'm so scared of backsliding into the black pit. Remember, as recently as September 30th, I went to a psych hospital and spoke with an intake counselor. As I was deciding if I could afford it, my meds kicked in.

I still don't have a job and my financial situation is . . . uncertain, at best. That alone is enough to kick anyone into depression.

So that's one of my first concerns @ depression/possible recovery: How does one handle the fear of backsliding? It recurs for many of us. I'd have to say that this has been one of the longest and worst, most paralyzing with terror.

Second, I feel guilty. People I have come to love on the forums are still stuffering. I can't do anything to help them. As I was rereading my journal this morning, I came on a sentence: Don't people see that their words cannot help me?"

Perhaps words did help me in the long run, but I couldn't see it. People saying that they loved me, that I was sick not worthless. People saying to get a meds check, get a counselor. Eventually it penetrated the fog of my depression.

Nonetheless, the second thing I am struggling with is guilt.

The third thing is a different kind of guilt: Doesn't this really prove that I'm just a drama queen as my brother insists? I got a lot of attention -- so now I am getting better? It's almost as if I feel a need to stay sick to prove that I really am sick -- which is a sick idea in itself, isn't it?

Then, too, the fact that I found companionship on the forums through being sick makes me wonder if I can put together a life of supportive contacts that does not depend on my disease.

I decided on Sunday to return to South Florida. Being a part of a Sufi community is more important to me than being in New Orleans for its history, or literary scene, or music. There's a very, large active Sufi community in Austin, and maybe someday I will move there. Right now, because I am unemployed, I can't justify to myself spending a lot of money to move to New Orleans or Austin, when I don't have a job in either place. I collected moving estimates and they are in the thousands. It will only cost me a few hundred dollars to have Mr. Jimmy move me locally in S. Florida.

So I hope that having this spiritual group will be a good start toward building some kind of nourishing life for myself.

I'm leaving tomorrow morning, so my computer access is going to be spotting until I am settled in my own place. I hope the transition is smooth and swift.

To summarize: issues I am grappling with are:
1. Fear of back-sliding -- still a lot of financial stress in my life, plus moving again
2. Guilt that others I love are still suffering more than I am, at least for today
3. Fear that getting better proves I really am just a drama queen
4. Fear that I won't be able to build nourishing relationships and will be backslide