yeah i guess not lol. it's odd, i'm indifferent about virginity otherwise and i don't give a fart what age others lose theirs, but i hold myself to different standards. someone could be 60 and a virgin, and i would not care. i would not think any less of them. but i guess right now i'm having kind of an internal crisis, because i always told myself no matter what i'd make sure i lost my virginity in my teens, even if very late teens. but if i still want that to happen i have only 4 months to make it happen. let's see... i'm 240 lbs., i never leave the house, i'm socially awkward... not desirable in the least... so yeah, unless i find some way to pay someone it's just not going to happen 'in time'. and if this were somebody else i wouldn't care, like i said. but to me it's loser central... might as well have it tattooed on my forehead or walk around with a neon sign... i'm very ashamed. to me that kinda says ''least sexiest person alive".

i also just want romance too. i want it even more than sex. i need touch and affection and sweet words, but there is nobody to give that to me. i know self-love is important to, but it just doesn't work when it's from myself, and it makes me a little sad. i don't really want self-love anyway. i really tried at it but i couldn't make the feelings genuine.

it's also funny that you use treating myself like a friend as an analogy, because i don't have any friends either.

anyway sorry if i rambled, i'm very lonely. have cried about it more than once today. so i kinda just talk a lot at whoever gives me the time of day. my mom already blew me off.