Hi there. What a lovely user name! I often fee the way you described. I'm on medication and I see a T every 3 weeks or so. I have been like this since I was 13, wasn't diagnosed with depression until I was 30, and now I'm close to 50, so I have learned the feelings will pass. Even on medication, sometimes I feel exactly like you do, if something happens that sets me back. I want to die to escape the pain, but now instead of months, the feeling passes in a few days if I do things to help myself.
Usually I'll wallow for a day or so, then I'll have an attack of the sads (there atm), then I'll crawl back to my feet, slowly.
Things that help me are: medication, a couple of good friends, journalling to get it all out, walking, sleeping. I hope you can find some things that will help you, too. Hugs