So, um... I guess yesterday was harder than I thought/realized. I don't remember writing this to you. I remember feeling this way, but not expressing it. You know I feel really guilty about being mad that you are going away, right? I'm super ambivalent about it. On the one hand, I really want/need you to keep taking care of yourself; to have that life-work balance, and to enjoy yourself. On the other hand, I really don't want you going away right now. Couldn't you have waited till august? And couldn't you have made it a shorter trip? (Part of me really wants to ask where you are going, but I'm analysing the hell out of why I want to know, so until I land on it being simple curiosity, I'm not going to ask).

I know this whole time is generally rough for me, but I had forgotten that yesterday was the anniversary of the day I said goodbye to De, and how it all got so tangled up with the previous loss of K. Today is a bit better. Not great, but at least I haven't curled back into bed yet...

I need to remember to talk to you about this texting thing. You had mentioned that it's ok to reach out, and you'd be happy if I did it more (especially if it's going to keep me from falling apart as hard and fast as I sometimes do), but I'm not sure what that would look life. So much of the time, I don't know what I need. How the heck am I supposed to express something I have no grasp on? I've tried looking for support around some things, but I don't know how to ask it right. It feels like the bigger things I try to contact you about don't get any acknowledgement. I'd be ok with you just telling me we'll talk about it next session, or acknowledging it's difficult...

As much as i appreciate your availability and willingness to be a huge support for me, this month-long vacation is underscoring why I was hoping to have other supports available. And me trying to talk to the so only to have her panic and get mad at me (mostly panic) underscores how overwhelming and undesired any dropping of the "happy mask" is around people close to me. You had said s.o.and I have been together long enough where we shouldn't have things this big still hidden, but you didn't take into account that it's the only way we function at the moment. If she doesn't have to actually see the depression and ptsd playing out, it's ok to think of it as something manageable and past... that's how we get through the days. I've reached my quota of support I'm allowed to ask for around this stuff, so I don't let her in on the struggles... and to be fair, her experience with my struggles was really traumatizing.

I really wish this wasn't a holiday weekend. I wish you were not going away for so long in just under two weeks... like I said, August would be better than any part of July... I want you to have fun though. I hope you enjoy it thoroughly. I'm kinda jealous. So and I haven't had a vacation in years...

I hope I'm not setting myself up by asking to see your colleague while you are gone. I'm not sure how I can afford to pay her the copay... and I'm not sure I'll be able to be honest if I'm really struggling... hopefully, once this anniversary passes next week, things internally will settle down some...

Are you starting to regret taking me on again? I feel like such a pain in the ***...