Ugh I'm having a bad day. I just want to go to bed and it's only 5:40pm. I never would have gotten up this morning if I could have gotten away with it. In fact I stayed in bed until 9am and then got breakfast for my son, then went and laid on the couch until hunger drove me to get up at 12. I did manage to play outside with the hose with my son for an hour and took him to get pizza and ice cream. Even made it to the store to get him arm floaties in anticipation of going swimming tomorrow. But I have been soooo irritable all day. My son has been getting on my last nerve and so has anyone I come into contact with.

It's because of a dream I had last night. I was off camping with my husband, who was alive (often he's there in my dreams but I know he's dead). We got into a huge argument over something and I told him if he didn't start acting better and treating me right I wanted a divorce. He looked at me and sincerely apologized, and held me for the rest of the dream. When I woke up I felt like he had really been there with me. I've been so angry at him lately, so angry at him for being so stupid and taking those drugs that killed him. Leaving me alone to raise our son. I've been so pissed. And it was almost like he knew that, and he came to say he was sorry.

It's put me into a mood all day, mostly because I know if his soul is somewhere that he IS sorry. He knows he ****ed up. But I just miss him so much now. Waking up and realizing he's gone and it was just a dream is SO difficult. Like I wish I could actually hear him say he's sorry. So I could stop carrying around this anger. I don't want to hate my husband. He made a mistake and it cost him his life but he didn't do it on purpose. He had no way of knowing that time would be his last time using.

I just miss him so damn much. I miss his touch and his kiss. I miss his encouragement. He would be so proud of me and so happy that I landed this new job. He would be so proud of how far I've come with my bipolar. I just wish I could talk to him again.

But I can't. So I'm going to treat myself with care tonight. I'm going to eat something yummy. I'm going to watch Harry Potter. I'm going to relax. Because I know this won't last. This is not an episode. Just a reaction.

Thanks for listening. I have no one to talk to right now.