What an incredibly painful loss.

My heart goes out to you.

Grieving can take a significant amount of time, for sure.
I feel the grief is even more complicated under the circumstances.
How do we forgive someone who left us, if we'd felt they had a choice?

My dad committed suicide (overdose) when I was a pre-teen. Long story. I won't get into it now. I will say I felt guilty for not finding a way to stop him. I felt guilty for many years. I then felt angry, angry at him for leaving, instead of staying and helping the family. He had several children and a wife needing him, needing his support. Over time, though, I realized he was too hurt, too ill, too overwhelmed and unable to carry on in life. In the end, it all came down to my realizing how much he was hurting and forgiving him for his limitations. It took me at least 15 years to reach a place of peace regarding this loss. The complications around it, someone we love, admire, and need "choosing to leave," or doing something that makes their departure much more likely, is processed differently than a losing someone in another manner.

I am glad he held you for the remainder of the dream. I hope that part was healing in some way.

Of course you miss him. How could you not? I am so sorry for the depth of your grief. I hope you find further resolution, healing and deep peace.

My best to you and to your son.

With Deep Compassion,

WC