idk how to get away from him. because a small part of me actually still loves him. i keep telling myself ill find new people at uni but it keeps being put off longer and longer because i cant get enough credits fast enough. even though i took 6 classes in spring. i pushed myself so hard only to still fall short.

i told everyone i was seeing him again and im losing the respect of my friends and my family is mad at me.

yet i cant pull myself away, not only from him but the alcohol. i pulled away from him for a month and from the alcohol for a week, only to go back. i went through a mild psychosis for a month but it was pretty wild. at least i think it was psychosis. maybe.

im not manic or psychotic right now. im just very lonely and desperate for company. im alone 10 hours out of the day. thats not working for me, to be alone with only friend who is sick with cancer. i drink to escape the mind numbingness of the hours i sit alone.