You are answering your own question.

You have been abused. You are afraid to trust. You have low self-esteem. You think no one will want you who is a great guy and so you push away the ones that do.

Is this how you want to live out the rest of your life because patterns can become entrenched and the next thing you know you are forty with the same problems.

You are young there is still time to turn it all around. Get a therapist and dump the husband. He is not going to change and you will not make him. And it is not your job to make him love you to prove that you are worth while.

At the risk of sounding Freudian, you picked a guy like your dad and are replaying the same pattern with him.

Keep your distance from toxic people. Any positive change you will make will threaten them. The thing is that change is exactly that -- change!!! It means unfamiliar actions, unfamiliar feelings and it brings up all the FEAR of rejection from the past. But stay where you are in the same dead environment ... well, you know how that is working.

I don't know what to advise you. Change does not happen without risk. Even if you are afraid, keep breathing and going. Get a good T and start making plans and follow through. If you're still with your deadbeat husband, get rid of him. He wants you to stay miserable to fulfil his own pattern. Depression doesn't only come from a chemical imbalance, it also comes from people making you feel like *****.

I am a lot older than you and have shut people out for fear of getting hurt. You wind up alone. It's not pleasant. But at the same time, I am not abused. But there has to be a better way. Love is necessary and we should not be afraid to accept being treated in a loving way.

Good luck.