I'm up! Sleep is a foreign luxury I can't afford.
I recently broke up with my boyfriend, who I miss now for reasons independent of our 'relationship'. We both slept peacefully together... this isn't about him (or us), but I curse the calmness of our souls together at rest. I have no rest.
Thoughts of other close relationships have been tormenting my heart and mind. A father who abandoned me. Childhood "best friends" who transitioned into new phases of life and NEVER looked back. An ex fiance who left me with nothing but empty promises of future plans of our lives together and utter confusion. An adult "best friend" who 'fought' the monsters of rage within me to befriend me, only to leave me stuck in a mess he'd selfishly created, NEVER looking back.
I don't claim perfection or innocence. No one can.OR should. But in these instances...I simply cannot understand what I did or didn't do to cause each of them to leave me in SUCH emotional chaos. W-H-Y am I S-O unlovable??
Perhaps I should allow my heart to become as dead as I'd like to be. Perhaps it's N-O-T better to have loved and lost than never to have loved... Who came up with THAT?!
I feel emotionally damaged.