OK. I feel like complete crap. I'm so depressed I can't see straight. At the same time, I'm a little numb and perhaps starting to dissociate. At the same time, since I forgot the afternoon Klonopin before coming back to work, I'm anxious. I am so many conflicting things that I'm not sure what I *am,* exactly, except a mess. If I had to pin it down, I'd say the depression is winning.

I've done really well with the SI lately, last episode was May or June, I think. But I feel like *****, and I'm screaming at the top of my lungs for help and nobody's hearing me, and I am f'ing ready to hack off an arm with a rusty chainsaw just to get somebody to help me. I mean, I usually don't get any worse than what a bread knife or a razor blade can do, but I am ready to do some *SERIOUS* *DAMAGE.*

I know I am probably acting like a spoiled brat, but dammit, the best way I know to get through overwhelming emotional pain is to cause physical pain, disordered though that may be. And I'm ready to do it up big.

I don't know what I expect anyone to do about this, I just needed to vent. Sorry.

candy