Yeah, so I'm sitting here, SCREAMING inside and this is how I feel today. I could SEE this in my mind - me being ripped apart by everything that is going on in my head.



I feel frenetic and yet I'm sitting still. I want to SCREAM! I've never screamed at NOTHING before. There is nobody here. I could yell my head off though I'm not sure what I'd be yelling.

I was laid off from my job and I had something I wanted to do (my non-profit for those who have seen me around before), but I think I have finally had it beat into me - by myself and others, that I'm not capable of such a feat and that is probably what is really killing me today. This general acceptance of the fact that I'm a fck up who is never going to have the wherewithall to accomplish the things that are most important to her. So I'm going about finding a regular job so that I can go back to living in mediocrity with everyone else. I'm going back to "safe" and "normal" and who my husband thinks I'm supposed to be and apparently who I am because I'm a fantastic employee with apparently very little in the leadership area.

All this time I've been telling myself that if I had the time or the money, these things would get done. I would achieve these things, but apparently without someone on top of me all the time I flounder and get nothing done.

Add to these feelings that today is the 2nd anniversary of my mother's death, which I pretty much forgot about until my sister called me to check in on how I was doing about all of that.

Problems with the husband. I'm so effed up I can't tell if the problems are ours. I am not sure if they are workable and if they are, do I want to work on them. Are they worth working on or do I cut my losses? Are they really OUR problems or is it just me and my lunacy that makes keeping a relationship happy and healthy fvking impossible????

Haven't been to therapy because I can't afford it. Honestly I'm just miserable and pounding away on a keyboard is as much interaction as I can muster.