Hi I am 17 y/o. And I really just need to speak to somebody about all this. Since the end of 2013, I have been having completely no sense of self worth and my social life has basically disappeared in the last 3 months and I'm really just wanting to end it all but I don't want to put my mum through it.

My background:
I've been living with my mum for my whole life. I have a father figure whom my mum was married to at the time but I am not his son. I've never known my real father or my half sisters until about 16 months ago. I am heading into my final year of secondary school after Summer but I just can't cope with myself anymore.

How it started:
I used to live in a housing estate up until I was 13, when I moved out to the very rural country. Before I had many friends and was very happy with my life. But around before my 15th birthday I began having suicidal thoughts and began to hate myself and my traits more and more. When I started in secondary school, I made friends with who are now the popular kids, but after 1 year, I stopped talking to them because they used to just slag me all the time (which they do to each other but I just didn't like it). I am terrible at comebacks and stuff like that, I just sound like a stuttering fool.

I'm also terrified of being around girls my age. I am not good looking at all really. Ginger hair, pale skin, no features, etc. Almost every girl that people have asked "do you think OLM is attractive, they say 'no way'". So from then on, I get stupidly nervous around any girl, I don't know what to talk about, I can't make eye contact, my voice waivers sometimes. I just break, and people around see it and cringe. I just feel worthless. I really want to be in a relationship, at my age it's normal to at least have one by now. Even the most unpopular and stranger than me people in my school (all boys) have been in at least 1 relationship with a girl from the other schools.

So after that I began hanging around with these guys who I'd say are just obsessed with gaming and really care about nothing else. I hung around with these for 3 years untjl I couldn't bare the lack of fun with them and tried making new friends. To where I got to the point of making friends with 3 guys. This sounds very condescending, but its just how I feel about them. Guy 1 is a year younger, does nothing but sit at home and play games, and is really cocky. Guy 2, was very popular in school, but he's very immature and insensitive and no joke, half the school hate him. Guy 3 is from another town, one who I get on well with but he really only hangs with us because he's nobody else in the school. We got on very well for most of the year up until about the last month (May) of school.

Guy 1 began to sense I'm terrible at comebacks and banter stuff, and began to purposely try to annoy me at most times. He wouldn't include me when I'd go on PS4. He'd laugh at me that I'm terrible around girls. For the last month of school, he's basically stopped talking to me, Guy 2 and 3 and sits at home all day playing with the guys I used to be friends with before.

Guy 2 is friendly to me, but I can't trust him. Every time I've opened up to him he just is a **** about it. I told him about my real father and siblings and he uses them to annoy me sometimes when we argue.

Guy 3 is mysterious. I only talked to him in school. I want to chat a bit more to him but I don't know what to talk about.

So here I am, I have nobody to enjoy summer with at all. 99% of the other people in my year think I'm weird and boring. I have nothing to talk about with people which is probably one of my biggest flaws. Everyone laughs and has fun talking about sports, hobbies, etc. But all my hobbies are completely unheard of or unpopular in my country. Its not just girls, I've nothing to chat with lads either.

My half siblings have all had great social lives from what I've learned. I've not been around for 15 years of their lives, but they're all really friendly, talkative, outgoing, popular, etc. And then there's me... The reject.

I had a breakdown in the car with my mum after she collected me from being with them a few weeks ago. I just got really down when they started talking amongst themselves about stuff they remember about school and the Prom, etc. I have none of that. I broke down and started sobbing, my mum knew there was something up for the last year or so. I'm still depressed and I think of ending it or disappearing at least twice a day. Its always in the back of my mind. My mum has basically forgotten though, and goes on like she did before the breakdown.

I just need help. How can I fix my life and self esteem. I'm desperate...