I really feel like my family doesn't think I'm human. I'm supposed to be this perfect person, doing everything the way they want me to, the way they expect me to act. Which is really my fault. When I was molested at age 7, I didn't want anyone to know. I played a role in my life of the perfect child. I controlled my behavior to please my parents, and be as close to perfect as I could possibly act.

Of course it was not easy and I was not always successful. But I my family was shocked when I turned 19, and starting speaking my mind, not kowtowing to their demands. From than on one progressive disaster after another. Because I never spend my youth learning things I should have learned, I was trying too hard to live up some unattainable ideal.

Now here I am 42 years old. Alone, financially ruined forever, family who is sick and tired of me not living up to their ideals. And unable to cope with the realities and hardships of life. Hope has died. I cannot get anywhere, I will never achieve anything I desired to achieve. I'm just really wavering these days, keep trying or just pull the plug and end this miserable existence.

My gas money is going to maxi pads, because I'm basically bleeding to death slowly. I don't know how I'll survive in any way shape or form. I'm tired of trying to.