Thank you for the reply guys. I really appreciate it.

I really just need to find some solution to this. I've been like this basically for 3 years. I can't remember being actually happy with my life other than once or twice. I know this sounds cliché but I honestly only feel happy when I'm dreaming or for the first 10 seconds after I wake up and realise what my life is and who I am. I tend to always try escape from reality by films, tv shows and music. I am a huge fan of GoT and I'm almost obsessed with the lore and background to it because it makes me feel like I'm in another reality, far from my own. Also movies and music is something I always try to use to escape too.

Before this I used to be quite angry as a child, I was always very bitter about never knowing my real father and half-sisters. I last saw them when I was about 2, a 15 year gap. Now that I know them more and we see each other around once a fortnight, they really are the only reason I keep going I think sometimes, but they're all a lot older in their 20's. But when I'm in the car with them, they start talking about stuff they all did together, times when they were at something that I was also at but we never knew. They've all loads of friends, had great times in school and uni, then I get jealous. It just wrenches me, then I get angry and upset inside but just act all placid and sound on the outside to hide it.

I've tried talking to those guys today, but we just have nothing to talk about. One of them instead of saying "hey long time no talk" or something along those lines said "what do you want?". Guy 2 was fine though.

My entire summer is going to be me at home sitting around, having no friends, or people to talk to. How do I go out and make friends when I'm 15 miles away from anyone else? I'm not good at sports.

I just find it so hard that I used to have loads of friends when I was younger and in just 3 years I've become repulsive, shy, quiet, boring when I feel like I was a totally different person.