So today had been a trying day. My emotions, especially dread and calmness had been a rollercoaster, just like this weekend since my visit to my therapist and broke down crying. I think it's like when you have the flu and the first days after healing you feel half dead and tired.

So, so tired.

So I became enraged today because when I went to take out 1000 for the bank, the damn amt didn't get me anything and put it as that it had. I was screwed nicely. I went to talk to client service in the super and they told me they put a message that it was malfunctioning. Bull, I had to warn 3 other couples to not use the damn thin.

Gods, 1000. And according to my mom, it happened the same a year ago with 3000 and didn't get it back. That the bank when as far as show evidence of a deposit that never happened.

1000. In this month when I got the most expenses. I felt so angry, so betrayed. So guilty. I had been trying to save money, to not go to the other city and instead do a skype session with my therapist. To use my salary (I got another 2 classes so I earn 2500 monthly) to pay for my medicine (668) and my bag (239) and my bus (144) and gave the rest to my mom. But no, all my plans might be for nothing because the same thing I tried to save (500 for my therapy session) when away this day.

I was the one who went to get the money. I can't stop feeling that it's god punishing me because I was too proud, that I was too miserly. That because of me my mother lost 1000

1000: 2 sessions of therapy.
1000: My translation for my documents that I need.
1000: All my medicines
1000: My travel to the D.F for my annual visit to the blind hospital.

I was nearly crying. And then I felt better after going to the gym, but coming out I remembered: I was not going to cut my visits to my therapist because they were too expensive, that the situation had become bad and what I felt good about using my new earnings means that I'm not even helping because it's like if I had waste- used the money.

Okay, I don't know how much my mom gets for her pension. I think they are 23,000 but maybe I'm just drunk. Maybe they are 12,000 or maybe less (remember this is pesos). What I know is that my mom needed to get a 10,000 loan last month to meet ends because so many things had happened to repair and the medical bills and I felt again sad and sick, Even writing this now I feel worse thinking about it.

And I feel so angry and sad and like I'm dreaming.

I don't know how to cope with this. It had never happened to me. Only once I had made such a mistake that cost my mom 1000 and it was in 2012 because I got hooked into talking to her daily so much time because of my anxiety.

And right now the electric bill and the gasoline, which means everything, just got up in Mexico.

Why did this happen?
What did I do wrong?

If only I had put more attention.

Why I can't stop being so angry? So scared? So felt betrayed.

Thank you for hearing me. I feel a little better just talking about it. Just somebody or something to talk about this feeling and this fury and this rage and this fear.

Gods, 1000. And in this month of travelling and medicines for my eyes and the economy.