sigh.

i just sent him an email about how he needs to trust me to be motivated rather than assuming that i'm avoiding whenever i'm not talking about the childhood pain.

i said about how the session where i was trying to talk about the boards... there are a lot of important (and painful) issues in there...

i said about how last session where i was trying to talk about productivity... there are a lot of important (and painful) issues in there...

that i think it is arbitrary whether i talk about the past or the present. so long as i'm emotionally connecting (which i'm %#@&#! well trying to do) then i don't see what it matters what the precise topic is.

that sure the present pain is related to the past pain
but that the past pain is only problematic cause it is experienced in the present

that i think it is arbitrary whether we start from past pain and work forward to how it manifests in the present
or whether we start from present pain and work backward to how it originates in the past.

i guess the trouble is that i'm not very good at conveying the PAIN that manifests in the present around the absense of productivity or in the context of online conflict.

i guess the trouble is heightened by his assuming that i'm avoiding because i'm not talking about when i was little.

am i rationalising my avoidance?

perhaps...

perhaps not...