I can totally relate! I'm 57, but feel decades older because of my depression. Though I've battled depression since I was about 20, I've never had such a long bout as the last 3-4 years. I have been so inactive for these past years that I feel like my body (and mind) have atrophied. I can get out of breath just going for a short walk or climbing stairs. Nothing really interests me anymore. The John Cougar lyric "Oh yeah, life goes on - long after the thrill of living is gone" sums up how I now feel about life. On a more positive note, I recently changed to a new pdoc who prescribed a new AD med which has eased my depression somewhat. I think even if the depression totally lifted, I'd still be struggling against all the bad habits I've developed over these last 4 years. I know there are things I have to do to get better (exercise, better nutrition, socialize more etc). I just don't know if I have the willpower or energy to do it.

Are you on any meds? Seeing a pdoc or therapist? If so, does it help at all? I completely understand what you mean by having to pretend you're happy. Wish I had more sage advice for you. But hang in there and keep trying...