Welcome to PC's forums. You will find a lot of support here.

I am divorced with a child. I was in individual therapy at the time and my therapist knew a lot about divorce, as he used to be a court-ordered divorce mediator.

I was stressed about the impact of the divorce on my child, as was my ex. My therapist gave me wise advice. He said that it isn't the divorce itself that significantly impacts the child, it's how you go about the divorce.

I found that to be true. It was excellent advice for me especially because my divorce took four years. During the divorce and to this day:

I never talk bad about her father to her. We split custody and I am supportive of her relationship she has with her father, we did not argue in front of her - etc. Today, she's a well-adjusted teenager and is happier with us divorced because even though we didn't fight in front of her, she felt the tense atmosphere in the household. She has told me she is glad we divorced.

My parents divorced and my mom back talked my father to my brother and me, projected her anger issues over the divorce to my brother and me, and she demanded complete allegiance to her. She repeatedly said what a loser he was, an a$&, etc to my brother and me. She was angry because he wanted the divorce and she took it out on us after he left. She literally talked bad about him until he died. Very unhealthy.

Children don't choose their parents. It's not their fault if their parents divorce. Therefore, talking bad about the other parent to the children is very damaging. We can't get a "better" mom or dad. It makes a child feel....awful. If you can avoid that - you're miles ahead of the game.

Also, my financial situation changed substantially after the divorce. My ex maintained his upper class lifestyle while I now had a middle to lower class lifestyle because I'm disabled. My daughter can obviously see the difference by looking at our respective homes, etc. I do not burden her with my financial stressors. That is not her burden. I provide a loving home. We do things if I can afford to. If I can't, I say we can but not right now. And I save for it and I follow through. Sometimes I just say no and she understands. She wanted to go on a ski vacation and I had to say no. No pity party, I just explained I didn't have the money. She understood.

Money doesn't matter that much in terms of happiness. In fact, she said she wished she could spend more time with me. My home is modest and dad lives in a mansion, literally. It's love and acceptance that is paramount.

This is how we explained divorce to our child:

Our daughter was relatively young at the time (10 years old). We together told her that Mommy and Daddy are getting a divorce. We explained while we cared about each other, we could no longer be married because we were unhappy being married to each other.

We told her we would be happier having separate homes. We told her we loved her and it was not her fault at all. She would have two rooms and she would spend time at both of our houses. One room at mom's and one at dad's. We reiterated that we loved her, this was not her fault and reassured her things would be ok.

She was sad and cried a bit. She realized we would no longer live as one household anymore. We gave her time to be sad. Because it was sad. She did have a very basic concept of divorce from friends at school, I think. I believe that may have helped her accept "divorce happens." We kept her out of the divorce process and focused on spending one-on-one time, separately.

My ex and I disagreed on most things but kept her out of it. We did agree on loving her and taking care of her as divorced parents. I think we are both doing a decent job and I don't interfere with his time with her. I hope he doesn't speak ill of me. He probably has at some point, as he had a lot of anger, but nothing extreme. Plus, kids figure things out. Just stay neutral on the subject of mom, especially when they are young. I keep up my habit of not back talking her dad.
Best wishes and I hope this is helpful. Try not to stress. Your children will adapt and can become healthy adults. You can still be a great parent to them. Welcome to the forums, too!