Consensus that I've lost my mind?

I always seem to react emotionally to what my T says or does and I'm so very rarely rational/logical... and then I write really stupid posts... sigh.

I know he's trying hard right now. I'm not so sure about me. I'm pushing back whenever he pushes me. I'm testing his patience and boundaries and trying to see when he's going to just up and leave...

because that is what always seems to be on my mind.

Weird, I know. I'm messed up.

At least he maybe will ask me next time about a contract instead of launching full tilt into making me agree to one...

As long as he never mentions "hospital" again. Its bad that I never want to mention the SI thoughts to him ever again... isn't it? I don't know if I can trust anyone with that stuff anymore.

Scares me. A lot.

Thanks all of you, you're great with wonderful advice and for listening to my rambling.