Quote:
Originally Posted by Pflaumenkeks
We are two men in this relationship. Okay I am genderqueer, but more on the male side, so the "women are just different" is not working in this case (and just. don't)
You are talking about respect: for me his behaviour feels very disrespecfull towards me. (And again: the child comment was about the suggestion on "bribery and reward"). When we have this argument it's not me saying he is childish. It's me saying that I'm noticing that I do a lot more and him jumping in that it all will get better and making suggestions. which will last for about 2-3 weeks.
I am all for tools for solving this but just saying "well men are that way" seems to be a bit a comftable "well it's not my fault" opt-out (sry if I am beeing rude here but this is something even my partner doesn't believe in). I hate cleaning too, but I feel responsible, esp. since we have a child. Why is it that some people don't?
I don't even have to argue with him about the status quo. Sometimes he is the one coming to me saying he feels guilty because he's beeing lazy and so.
It's very exhausting for me to motivate him. I have the options between using my energy for cleaning myself or motivating him, so in both cases part of my daily energy is used here. In that case it really would be more simple for me to live separate (which is also a question of money), so I am looking for a long term sollution that spares me that part of energy.
My first impuls was just to let the anger out (hence this rant).
Because I know that I am not objective here I don't want to treat him unfair and needed to calm down first.
I loved your replies and I hope maybe in future I don't come to this point of frustration. I am sorry that I always jumped into defense mode, I guess I wasn't ready for real critic and wanted to swim in my self-pity
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Well I understand that my comments about women and men don't apply here but in a traditional sense of gender differences I believe it still rings true. I know that there are exceptions in regards to those that are genderqueer, trans and such, I get that. Please don't take it as an insult or an invalidation of your status as a couple. No offense was intended and it is on me for assuming that you were of opposite sex
I think that some of my other reply still applies with regards to if it comes out to him as if you are thinking he is being a child, it may affect things. Here gender, sexuality or anything of the like will not matter. What I mean is, I know in my experience how it's felt to be told I was being like a child, in arguments, it has made me really less receptive to criticism. IF, you do that. I would evaluate that
I understand the reference but not one that is very effective when verbalized if trying to motivate someone that is an adult haha. If someone told you to do such and such thing so as to act more like an adult, is that motivating to you? Just take note of that.
It is exhausting to motivate others to do what we believe they should know we want them to do and in many cases they actually do know. they just don't think about them most likely. kind reminders (not verbal it will feed into your exhaustion) find ways to give little reminders throughout the household of what chores you're responsible for (keep up with them ofc or it gives the other person ammo when you call them on their lack in the chore area) and his. Idk if that will help.
Again apologies for assuming your gender role