My husband and I have been on rocky ground lately. We recently sold our house and moved, which is a lot for anyone. Add to that we barely see one another due to our opposite work shifts (I work days he works nights) and it is a challenge to say the least. As a result of all this hubbub, my stress levels are through the roof. I don't want to get up. I don't want to get dressed. I don't want to go to work. (ETA: I should note I still DO these things, but I certainly don't FEEL like it).

When I met my husband, I was in a better place mentally. I was very stable. So he has trouble understanding me and what I need right now. He keeps telling me "Well let's just go to sleep and we can start over in the morning." Except-- that won't work for me. I can't just sleep off depression. He told me I need to see a doctor to get "fixed". I have battled with depression (and as you know, I do mean BATTLED) since I was a teenager. I have always had these tugs of depression pull me down and I have to slowly crawl back out.

I know myself. I know how to cope and I know what I need. I have fine tuned my plan for recovery. However, he has not seen me go through this so he keeps telling me "See another doctor" and "Go see another therapist." By now, I have figured out what this looks like. I have accepted I will be very depressed for a few months at the very least. I know how to keep my head above water but it is tough and I have really bad days. No amount of drugs or counseling will change that. It is who I am and I have embraced that my 'normal' on days like this won't look the same as someone else's normal.

But how can I explain that to him? I asked him how many doctors I have to see and how many months I have to keep trying things he wants me to do until he gets it. In all honesty, I don't even feel I should have to jump through these hoops. I know my body and I know my mind. I am exhausted and I am overwhelmed but I also know how to recover and set myself up for good days. I journal and exercise and eat healthily and take supplements. It doesn't make me 100% better; not even by half. But I get through another day.

How do I explain this to him? Or, is there a way to explain it? Should I keep going to see more and more doctors? Is there a miracle cure out there? I know I am very unhappy right now but I am not in denial. I have dealt with this for decades now and know this will pass. I am not a danger to myself, although sometimes I do feel like not getting out of bed or not going to work. I know this worries him. But, instead of his pushing me making me feel better, it is making me feel worse. It is targeting me as abnormal. It is attacking me and telling me I need to do more. But I know myself. I know what I'm capable of. I can barely get up in the morning-- how can I possibly schedule doctors appointments and talk to person after person when I've done this all before. They help but ultimately the regiment I am on now works the best. We did see a counselor together and that was not productive because it became a battle of how my depression was impacting him. Trust me-- I know. But I can't help it. I try. And I feel a heck of a lot worse than I actually let on. But sometimes I want to come home and just be 'me' and sometimes, that 'me' is depressed.