If I known I'd feel like this I don't know if I would have entered T. But that other rational part of me keeps saying, "this is already inside of you, its not been put there by therapy".

My head tells me I became an alcoholic for some reason, not because my inner world was happy, joyous and free, even though I've made myself believe that plenty.

I feel just a bit more balanced today and am afraid of friday incase I get all stirred up again.

I feel like someone has died unyet there is no body to mourn for, not understanding of who or what I'm mourning for, no story to put my feelings into context.

I've never felt so unable to concentrate, my family feel so distant from me, I feel like I've been catupulted into another dimension, and I'm thinking this is so unfamilar to me where I have landed, but is this the past that I am reliving?

I feel full of fear and with that comes a moment of hope that something awful would never happen to me? and if it did it wouldnt be real, someone would rescue me.

Then I for a moment feel like everyone else must feel and know that whatever happens in life, I will have to deal with it by putting one foot in front of the other and realise that I cannot guarentee happiness and stablity in my life, even though I've fooled myself into beliving I can.

Now and again I get memorys of moments from childhood, not pictures anymore, but real emotional reaction memorys. But it feels as if its happening today..

I may email T today, I hate doing that, but I need some sense made of this hell.