Thanks everyone. I do see a counselor for myself and I have been on many medications in the past. I do also see a doctor regularly that monitors me. I guess I am just frustrated. I have now been to about 7 doctors, 4 therapists, and even an alternative medicine 'healer'. In all honesty, I don't want to be on medication. It makes me feel awful. I am really sensitive to any chemicals/medication and most often have rather extreme reactions. I can't even take most cough medicine because it gives me hallucinations. So, trying medications is incredibly taxing on me.

I also am sick of seeing doctor-after-doctor. Because I present so well, they send me on wild goose chases to heal myself. That, or if I am honest with them, I've had one doctor commit me to inpatient treatment. Which, was totally not needed and I was released shortly after by the staff physician.

I realize there may be a medication out there to 'cure me' but how many do I go through and feel downright awful until enough is enough? How many doctors do I go to until I've seen enough? In all honesty, I have developed a great recovery plan for myself and can make it through the day. However, I will not be happy-go-lucky 24/7. I will never be that person. I will have good days but I will also have bad days. This can even be true for individuals on medication.

I have found a balance for myself but it keeps getting tipped because my husband tells me that I should be happy all the time. He tells me he doesn't want to worry about me. I don't know that I will ever be that person. I accept myself. I function this way. I go to grad school full-time, I work full-time, and I train horses as a second job/hobby. Most days, I am incredibly productive and go-go-go and have dinner on the table and everything scheduled out and its fine. But some days, I just want to stay in my pajamas and not do anything. Those are the exception. It seems like my husband wants me to be super woman 24/7 because that is what he sees all the time. But that is exhausting. Yknow?

I do have an appointment to see another doctor this month. I also recently saw a new therapist, but it went poorly very quickly. I told her I worked 8-5 and needed 6 pm appointments. At first she said that was fine, then at our first session told me she couldn't do 6 pm appointments long term but she'd try her best. So we scheduled our second session and when I called to confirm she told me we'd never scheduled that appointment, she would never schedule it for 6 pm.

I walk this emotional tight-rope having to explain myself to doctors and doctors and therapists and counselors. They question me, they scrutinize me, they tell me "Look, you're working, you're going to school-- you're just stressed, try breathing exercises".

At this point, I am coping with my current situation and don't think I am up to the task of going through trial after trial. The right answer COULD be around the corner, but each wrong turn is pushing me further and further inside myself. I just want my husband to be able to see me in my pajamas on a blue moon and instead of pointing out how abnormal I am, just say "Sorry honey, can I get you some ice cream?" Yknow, something like that. Those days are so infrequent, but its like I can't even be myself at home because I have to keep up the charade of being 'fine' all the time. Of always being okay. Of never having a bad day.