I'm slipping again. Pain has been high, feeling very sick. Wondering how I'm going to make it through this life being so sick. I'm letting everyone down. I know I need to take my pills but I'm scared and don't even fully understand why I won't take them. I'm afraid of side effects, or maybe it's something else. I cannot figure it out. I feel the pills make me sicker, but right now I don't want to live so I need to do something. (I have no plans for suicide, just wish I'd pass away peacefully)

I've read people say "if you don't think you need them, you are probably right". I go rapidly between thinking I need them and being sure I don't. I'm confused, I'm stuck and I need to do something, I just don't know what. I should start by taking my pills today, which I will do when I'm finished posting. I have to do something. I'm trying to stay positive, but it's getting more impossible by the day. I can't let it get worse.