PS Keep in mind that your attempt was a trauma in and of itself. Sometimes the memory (it can even be happening unconsciously) can cause fear to sweep over you like a wave. Unfortunately, I am speaking from experience. It's not a great feeling but, for me, part of the process of recovery is acknowledging and feeling bad things. Only then can we begin to feel emotions like joy, connection, etc. When we learn to feel joy and connection, at times, we won't feel depressed. It might get better. Hang in there.
Sincerely, Myst
PPS Medical marijuana should be legal.