It wasn't just that one person/event, but it was the first awful thing to happen after I moved to a new area (for school) and thought I was going to be able to start over and actually be able to fit in. And I screwed it up from practically day one by being the creepy weirdo that I am. He definitely thought I was creepy. It was the exact word he used.

It's not that I don't know where to find potential friends. I'm in graduate school so there's a whole bunch of people there and a lot of them are friends with each other. I just don't feel good vibes from a lot of them which makes it difficult to interact with them beyond a superficial level. I don't know who I can trust to be myself around or who I can even reveal anything about me.

I don't think this is social anxiety either since if I get good vibes from people (it just feels like they're not judgmental) then I can talk to them comfortably.

I also don't know if I've ever really had real friends or knew how to be a friend. My parents were always either not social at all or weren't very social (my mom at least has a few friends now, but my dad never has and has never wanted any). I think in some ways, they discouraged me from making friends when I was a child. They didn't allow me to go to preschool and weren't big fans of me playing with the neighborhood kids. I never had any siblings; I was their only child to survive infancy.

I was sent to kindergarten too young. The problem was I was so intelligent that they sent me as soon as possible so I wouldn't get bored but then I was emotionally and maturity wise behind all the other kids because I was a whole year younger than most of them. And so I never fit in. My whole first day of kindergarten was spent with the school counselor because I couldn't adjust and had bad separation anxiety. The way my mom dressed me and had my hair cut made me a target for bullies.

Heck, I wasn't even the child they wanted. They wanted a boy! But then my brother died shortly after birth and then they had me. Well, I tried to be a "son", but I just ended up getting really confused about my gender and I still am.

I just wanted to say if rejection sensitivity is really a thing clinically, then maybe that's the issue more than social anxiety. Because even as an adult they've hurt me. So how can I easily build trust?

I've tried therapists but they always treat me like trash. And it's not just me...I don't relate to the positive therapist stories that I read about on here. A therapist that sees their client every week? At the same time?! Therapists that are actually nice and nurturing? I had a therapist who wouldn't let me leave. And the most recent one instead of helping me develop a plan to get a job in the career field I've gotten three (almost four) degrees in was suggesting I just look into jobs in another field. Otherwise I'll never be financially independent from my parents. And yet other people in my field are, so it's obviously possible. I was very hurt and angry, but she seemed surprised that I was. My point is that I'm hesitant to try to trust another therapist at this point. They know exactly how to take advantage of me.