I'm sorry you had this experience. Some people don't know how to respond. They may have thought it was so off to the left that you were trying to be funny. Unfortunately people joke about suicide a lot and it isn't funny to those of us who struggle. I admit I even joke about it because it is dark and helps relieve tension. I use comedy to cope sometimes. To the people that really know me, they understand it, they laugh at the joke I make but also know the truth and please of pain that it comes from.

It's good the suicidal ideation has faded some for you.

Your pain is real and deep. People may not understand or acknowledge it but that doesn't mean it is invalid.

Psychiatric help is hard to find. It is a lot of places but it may not be help to the patient but a responsibility to keep someone Alice, safe from themselves and lacks any actual treatment. However I have had health care people in my life that have truly cared and helped me. Amy, the therapist I had as a teen made me feel safe and helped me cope with the horrendous depression that almost ended my life. Jennifer my most recent therapist taught me skills to help cope in a positive way. I may not use them often but I know they are there and help me sort through the negative chatter that overwhelmes me.

Try to get help. You don't deserve to suffer and depression is an illness that robs happiness and yourself. No one deserves that and I believe there is someone out there that can improve the quality of your life. You matter and I know I would be sad to know your not with us tomorrow. I feel the pain of depression and I know it can be so consuming you don't see a way out but it can fade. Everything in your mind may say that it will last forever, your broken, and worthless, but it probably isn't true but depression taking over. The episode can end and for most if you hang in Ling enough it does end.