It all went down on me today. Not passing the obligatory exam for the third year, which makes me wait another year of not being able to study neuropsychology, that I am so obsessed about and learn so much about it. Which also makes me in need of searching another job in sales, where the money is so low I won't be able to rent a house and it's so stressing for me. I only managed to have a one job like that for a year, the rest of my interviews went bad (maybe bc the previous boss judged me only by my look, saw it in his eyes, but then he kinda regret it) as I look pretty stressed and hostile and don't make a good cashier due to bad short term memory. All of the struggles I had with trying to act well among others, to seem clear and compound in my communication. The attack I survived in January. Then my grandmother and her illness and my autistic and also mentally unstable grandfather who didn't let us help her properly due to his obsessions, who abused my father and - by the way - attacked me verbally, showing me that I'm a worthless piece of **** for him who will never achieve anything. My narcissistic parents being assholes especially now, that I'm financially depended on them since March.

The idea of studying was like the last thing I could control and now I've lost it and felt like the world is ending.

When I got the negative results, it was a terrible message for me. I felt stuck, had suicidal thoughts, cried all night. No one has said anything. I started looking for a tutor and thought of some ways to get by, but the frustration just kept building up (This kind of frustration is always a reason for my meltdowns). Yesterday I felt a terrible need to do anything that will make me feel good even for a moment, started daydreaming etc. Today I woke up and my mother was having her special angry face that says "I'm so tired of having to work and living this life with you". She's constantly mad about the duties she chose for herself, like right now when she's on L4 and chose an additional job in the field (vegetable picking) and she's angry at everyone she did it. She's the kind of person that if someone has a problem, she will scream at them and say some ignorant stuff (When she hears a baby crying it's "Why the **** is this brat crying, it's good you were quiet") and my dad is different, but kind of the same. Later on they started bragging about money and she started showing off her dissatisfaction to my father.

So my father just came to my room and said, in his special ironic tone, "You DIDN'T PASS YOUR EXAM, so it's a time to go to a job, isn't it? Go picking up some vegetables at someone's farm, if you have to. Mother is angry".

And I was already messed up, so I screamed to him to **** off and leave me alone. And he started bragging about the word I use and how he will never ever give me a penny or let me drive his car (I don't even take his money and I drive like once for half a year bc I'm bad at it, so). And then I got so angry in my mind with flashbacks of every time they neglected me or were simply assholes to me and let other members of the family abuse me.

And then I hit the wall so hard I've almost broke my own hand. And he was like "Jesus, what family I'm living in, you're all the same"in his ignorant manner.

Then spent a few hours in bed crying and doing all kinds of repetitive stuff like banging the wall or scratching and even thought about pulling out my hair, feeling totally left on my own. I also get mute from time to time. While I do that, they always scream at me and get very ignorant.

I'm so tired.

I don't want to a normal therapeutist (for example, one I was having, when I told her about my grandfather shouting and repeating everything over and over again, she just smiled and was like "oh, he must have a trouble with hearing". No, he hears ****ing well). I don't want to be treated the same way. I want someone who specializes in Asperger's, but cannot afford that at the moment.