I could have written your post word for word on several occasions. I beat myself up for not getting real help sooner. I go through periods of feeling like I missed out but not even sure on what. I was dianosed 6-7 years ago I think, and after episodes, I still go through periods of this. Sometimes I accept my DX completely and other times I feel something else is going on.

Do yourself a favor and do all you can to get back to living your life. The past is over, but your future awaits. I know it's hard, ...... I haven't figured out how to get back to living like I did before my eyes were opened to the full spectrum of my occasional insanity. But I'm trying.

Make a list of where you'd like to be in 5 years and what needs to be done to achieve it. Goals can be really helpful. learn ways to control your symptoms and don't let them control you. You deserve more than that. (((Hugs)))