i feel so lost and alone...
why do i have to be so complicated...
why cant things just be typical..?

feel so alone... no body can really care or understand... because how... or why...
how can you care about something that you dont know... or when you look at it you dont understand... i know i am more angry at this all than everyone else... i know i must make the docs annoyed.... but im not trying to be complicated... its not my fault.... i didnt ask for my mind to act this ways...

my mind is not behaving... i think that i put myself into a type of trance....
but just sounds stupid right.... i just cant use all of my brain right now... it wont let me... i think i broke it some how and i just wanna fix it

if this was just a day or so i would not be like so worried....
but something has been very wrong for all year... this is 2016 so since begining of this year i know for a fact things have not been right... something i realized was super wrong.... but i at first made excuses for it... being sober for a year could have you feel weird i though... being sober can make anyone feel weird... but it was a different feelings... im locked up... in a barred room... chained... i feel like my mind is turned off, not off but im not with the mind because i just cant handle what i am... or what happened... but its taking too much... i think its killing me... i know things happened... so why shut down my brain...? this is just not fair....

im growing weak... well... im still trying.... but this is getting old... holding a lost cause... what am i protecting? its not helping anything... its in the end killing me... and i dont know even if there is anything left worth saving...
i am so broken...
i feel like i dont even want anyone to see me anymore... but i am afraid.. and dont want to give up... and i just try a little to learn.. look around... figure out something to do... but im not typical... im either really stupid or so smart i created a few paradox in this web of thoughts... and the paradox im having a hard time with... but it maybe that im just not so smart at all... and something really simple is causing a really large issue that should not exist at all...
i am really tired... i dont like talking about it because it makes me think about it... and when i think and i see things and i realize things it makes things bad...
because... when im thinking... so much is happening... and when im trying to think of how to say whats happening i am hit with even more...
must not let flashbacks come through.... i gag... so i spend so much to keep it away... i just really cant handle...
and i feel like how can you put this into words... how can you say it in a way that willd make sense.... i dont think i can put it into words what is happening... i dont know what it is and i just cant put words on it....
maybe im psychotic.... or maybe im really just not alive and this is all just an expression of things i should of done different...
my hell on life... learn from the mistakes grrr....
i want to explain in so much detail what im feelng... but i have so much fear of being ridicule.... i try to be careful what i say but my mind is not very clear lately so i seem to just sound like a complete idiot...
but i cant say how bad i just want to talk... someone to hear... and say they too know that stupid crazy paradoxs.... a feeling that maybe cant be explained with words...

i just dont know why im having to feel this... i think maybe i damaged part of my protection bariers in the mind so its like not able to block it so well as it used to.... damaged.. repaired... how ever you look at it...?
but i cant handle any of it right now... too much i have to prepare for to get through... cant have this too....
i pushing and pushing... obsessive and cant stop pushing to figure things out...
who would thought it would cause me to go insane... guess i should of known it could not be a good idea to force the psyche in different ways...
just afraid now i have broken or created a crack in a dam that will not stop until it bursts.... i cant handle the driplets what im going to do if it all comes at me at once... i will die, i know it will kill me....

im just tired of feeling so alone... T said that there are lots of others that feeling things like this too.... but i feel like know one can understand... not really know what im feeling... what im trying to say.... it hurts... and i dont know how helpful it can be to try to keep reaching out and maybe talking to someone...
just kind of want to know that im not the only one that is feeling like this.. so that i can realize that its real... and that its known... and that it can get better...

my mind is not functioning in the way its supposed to you know.... i dont know whats wrong with it... just makes it hard to try to pretend to be smart...
memory is dead... batery power is like 1%.... hard drive?????
it hurts so bad but i am here and then im there and its not the same... but when i remember and i remember... i dont want to remember... why things just cant be ok...? feel so stupid because i dont hear anyone else feeling these type of things... or maybe i am hearing and i just cant see that is what they are feeling too... im just really tired of the illusions... elusions... the manipulated self... how can you become so parceled...

im sorry i dont make much sense... im just wanting desperately to not be losing my mind... want things to stop and just be ok... i need to prepare for too much to be this now... why now...?
sorry... hard to write from an uneducated mind... some kind of crisis...
think im in crisis....