I saw my t today. I was going to tell her I was going to take a break but I didn't. I remember going and waiting in the waiting room. I went into her office and I sort of don't remember much of that, than we talked about somethings I have said to her in the past, than we talked about interjects and how I think that is an incorrect description of the part. As I sit here now I don't remember much else. I cursed during session. Not in a mean way just while talking. I am not sure what I am supposed to be doing. I think we decided not to work on trauma issues but I don't know. I really have a hard time remembering sessions. I don't have a cohesive perception of what I do in therapy. It's like once I leave her office I go about my day without thinking about therapy. And when I actually stop to try to recall what happened I have a blank spot in my recall. How is therapy going to work when I can't remember what I talk about or what I should be working on. I have been seeing this t for a few years and it feels like I just started going. I am better than when I first started talking to her. I do have a better sense of my self as having parts and not being insane. So that is good. Because for a while I thought I was losing my mind. I was having panic attacks and suicidal. Now I understand a fair amount of my system and that they have thoughts and ideas. Other parts I sense but we don't talk. I thought not working would help me work on understand myself better but I have too much time to be in my head which is not good. It leads to feelings of anxiety, fear and wanting to leave life. I start to not see a value to my existence and that confuses me. Is existence enough? I don't know. I think it goes back to my emotions. Most often I feel anxiety. I want to find the calm. I have almost forgotten what that feels like. I think I am talking about being centered. Maybe I have intellectual knowledge of my existence but no emotional knowledge of my existence. So I am here, now what? Not sorry for the long post. This is the **** I think about when I am alone and in my head.