iss your thread too.... vent onward

i used to admit it was a problem, but i abstained, i fixed, i learned patience and moderation, but now... through it all an being the only thing i grew up knowing to do... because i've been doing it more than half my life... at such a young age...

i dont know anything at all else.... so i guess maybe i still do have a problem....
but its just.... i didnt ask for it..... i have never really ever enjoyed any of it.....
but what i was supposed to do...? i saved myself from not breathing today....
but now i am breathing in a way that maybe isnt as good either....

dont get me wrong... i am still very sober compared to my past....
but im losing vision... losing reason.... desire.... whats the point....
everything hurts... everything hurts me.... and i just cant stand everything... because i just dont want to be here or something i guess.... just tired of pain...

but im supposed to be trying to think of somethings i like... anything outside of any type of substance... what is there..? i really cant see any benefit to anything.... everything just makes you feel bad anyway.... might as well block it all out with a bunch of alcohol and drugs for a little while and wake up so sick you musta keep going again....

sorry... brain isnt working well i guess im stressed out....
i just wanna quit trying to behave so bad and say F!232 it and omg im gonna get so trashed that the dumptrucks man cant take me out...

tired of feeling enormous pain and complete numb at same time.... stupid stupid stupid stupid... im going to break soon.... just keep holding on thinking doc can tell me something new... really starting to believe my doubts...

i sobered up very good for a year... what do i get...? symptoms will kill you dumby!!! why are you sober!!! grr.....