Hello Summer Daze,

I have to say I understand a bit, not because my T has gotten me gifts, because he hasn't and not because my T has touched me, because he never did but instead, because I too experience a great deal of sharing from my T. My T has never told me he finds me attractive in any capacity, quite the opposite really, at best he told me that I was not ugly but that hardly counts. My T is very cautious about certain ethical lines, and disclosure of attraction, as well as touching or anything else along those lines would be no-no's. However him and I do have a wonderful connection and for the first time, he told me he too feels that we have a really great connection and that it is substantially better than average and even disclosed that he has only felt a connection like this with about six people in his entire life. Of course though, the connection is platonic on his end.

It is only I that confuses this with love. So yes, I too, leave many sessions overanalyzing things he has said or done. Like today when he mentioned that last night he had been thinking about me. It was of course in a purely therapeutic capacity but none the less, I overanalyze. In my case, I may finally being starting to come to grips with the fact that things will never be what I want them to be with him... where as it sounds like your situation is different. My situation is a very sharing T, who says leading things, that none-the-less fosters deep, loving feelings.... and that causes me agony and I overthink, and I wish and I hope and sink into major depression because those wishes and hopes will never come true. Which could still be dangerous in a way, as crossing ethical boundaries, like sharing a lot, is supposedly always dangerous and potentially damaging. Anyway, onto my point, it does sound like if you actually wanted to be with your T, that he would actually let you... and while I'm deeply jealous and wish my situation were the same, my recommendation to you, is to be aware of the dangers your situation could possibly entail... and to evaluate things. You say you are uncomfortable but if that is truly the case, you need to tell him or write him a letter. Part of me thinks... and this is one a previous poster eluded to... that you're getting something from this situation... and I don't just mean therapy, I mean the boundary crossing that your therapist is doing... I think it is giving you something that you're not getting elsewhere and that is why you are unable to put an end to it.

Which is fine, there are tons of things to be gotten from a situation like that. A feeling of being special. Intimacy. Validation. Self-Esteem. Confidence Boosts. Connection. Attachment. A feeling of power. Etc. If you read this... and think I may be onto something, just ask yourself what the situation gives you and find another source. That will give you the strength to set better limits and boundaries within your therapeutic relationship and it may just save your relationship with your T... because if things are escalating and continue to do so, there may come a day where you lose this T simply because things went too far. On his end or your end or a combination of the two. And please don't be offended by what I am saying, I'm not saying I'm right, I'm just offering it as a possibility to help you figure out the situation for yourself and there is zero judgement on my end. As I said, my situation is similar to yours, though different, and I too get many things from feeling special and especially attached to my therapist. I have attachment issues with my parents and abandonment issues and a whole host of things. There is zero judgement. I applaud you for coming to the forums and asking for others input, it's very brave and you are a courageous person.

Rest assured, if you want to find the courage to tell your T that these things make you uncomfortable, if they do, then I'm confident the courage will come to you when you want it. Maybe the things you get from your T have nothing to do with the unacceptable things he is doing, maybe you just have grown platonically attached... or maybe you just really like his approach or some other factor... if that is the case, then I would encourage you to not be afraid of losing him by telling him that you don't like him crossing these boundaries, if that is how you feel. The concern of losing him only grows more and more with time if you allow his feelings to grow. The longer you let him act out in these ways, without setting boundaries, the deeper you let him get. And if he gets too deep, he may want to terminate because he has gotten too personally involved. So if that is the case, the sooner he is told, the better.

I don't claim to know what is going on in your personal situation, what he thinks or feels, or what you think or feel. Please don't take anything I said the wrong way as I was just offering up possible scenarios and outcomes for you to evaluate on your own because you're really the only person who has the answers in this situation. You're the only one who knows if you really want him to stop these behaviors. You're the only person who knows if you're uncomfortable. You're the only person who could assess if his boundary crossing is something you can or want to handle. You're the only one who can speak up for yourself, or not, if that is what you choose. And be comfortable in knowing that you're an adult and whatever decision you decide, you're making it to the best of your current abilities and you have the right to choose whatever option you want, regardless of anything. Once you've truly decided whether or not you're going to continue to allow these things or to tell your T that these things make you uncomfortable and you want them to stop... then you will be at peace and you wont have to go stir crazy between sessions because your decision will be made. The only reason you agonize right now, is the same reason why anyone agonizes when they have a decision to make... and that is because the decision isn't made yet. When the decision is final, you can finally relax, because no matter what you choose and no matter what the outcome is, you will have decided and you will be able to move forward, instead of dwelling on whether or not you show allow these things or express your anger to your T.

In regards to whether or not you have a right to be angry, the fact is, you as the client, have a right to feel anything. It's your T who is limited in this situation because it's his job and he is providing a service. You will do just fine and you will be just fine. No matter what you decide. You see, I agonize over whether or not to terminate my therapy and as such, it causes me a lot of distress, but whenever I'm decided, I'm at peace. I waiver... which I'm not supposed to do, but I only do it when I'm triggered. Your situation is thankfully different from mine and as such, I don't think you will struggle as much as me, when it comes to sticking with your decision. Always remember that your feelings are valid and they are your right and it is your place to share them as openly and honestly with your T as you possibly can.

Take it from someone who has to painfully read love letters to her therapist.... some things are hard to say but the pain doesn't last long. Good luck! And remember, you can do this! You can do anything you want, you are in charge of your therapy. Make it whatever you want it to be.

P.S. I'm truly sorry if I said anything offensive.