I feel I am the one in the wrong . I have issuse no dought. I love him very much maybe to much. Last night I had one of my upsets cause he was talking to his ex wife not for that, but for the fact she was asking for ex money (once again ) this time was for a DR. bill. I got upset first was anger mixed with fear then turned to saddness. Anyway , he went to bed mad & I was up awhile . I wrote him a note telling him I was sorry, please forgive me ,please know I'm trying. He wrote back this morning saying he's tired of all this fighting would like to go more then 2 days without making me mad,hurting my feelings whatever I want to call it. So I sent him a tex message telling him to please call me , I was sorry & didn't want to go through the day feeling the way I am. He wouldn't call instead he worte me this>>Subj: Re: Please call me
Date: 11/17/2004 4:33:42 AM Pacific Standard Time

Sent from the Internet (Details)



Melissa,
The problem is that we fight and argue entirely too much. We fight becuase of things that I do or say and things that I don't do or say that I probably should have. I'm not the person you want me to be. I don't think I can be the person you want me to be. I'm sorry that your relationship with your ex is very bitter and you think he's a piece of [censored]. But when you say that in front of Aly it really bothers me. I have to bite my tongue because it's just not right. I'm sorry that you don't feel a need or desire to maintain any kind of contact with people you've dated before. YOu don't put a high value on friendship or people in general, in seems. I think that's a very bitter attitude, but that's you. It's not me. It's not who I am or who I want to be. I have a good relationship with my ex. We get along very well. I feel a responsibility to her. I know how much money she makes and I know what kind of expenses she has. I know how hard she struggles. But n
one of that is relavent. The fact of the matter is simple, I'm the type of person who was brought up to help people with out question of motivation. It could have been any one of a number of people that I would have given money to. A few years ago when I was in a pinch and needed some money, Eileen M took out a thousand dollar laon against her credit card and gave it to me. That's the kind of trusting relationship that she and I have with each other. I try to treat people the same way I would like to be treated. I will help any one in any way I can regardless of whether or not they've ever done anything for me. I did get your text message this morning. Then one where you said that you don't have a right because we arn't married. The problem is even if we were married, I wouldn't seek your approval to give my ex or any one else 50 or 60 dollars, or even a hundred. If it were 3-4 hundred, then I would talk to you about it.
Another problem is that I don't spend all day long thinking about you and missing you. I spend my day at work concentrating on what I have to get accomplished. If I know that I'm going to be much later than 7 or so, I'll give you a call to let you know. But I'm not going to call you just because I'm on a 24 hours shift and you're board. I should have called you because I wasn't really working, All I was doing was playing those stupid games. But I was caught up in them. I brought the games for that reason, I didn't want to sit around and be baord for 24 hours. But at least that was the first actual complaint that you've had that I didn't think was undeserved.

I do think about you when I'm driving home. It's more of worry. I'm worried about what we are going to fight over next. I cant seem to go more than 48 hours with out upsetting you so I guess I was due last night. I don't want to spend the rest of my life living like this or feeling like I have to walk on egg shells. If my ex asks for money and I give it to her, I don't think I should have to hide it from you. But that's what it's leading to. The bottum line is simple, I'm going to do what I think I need to do regardless of whether you think its right or fair.

You know, I don't demand a lot from you and I expect even less. But I do demand my identity. I like the kind of person I am and wouldn't change it even if I could. At one time I expected you to go to school, to do something for yourself that would help you feel good about yourself, but that expectation is gone. If you ever go back to school it will be a pleasant surprise. I wish you were more helping of others. You will call your sister if you want someone to go to the store with you or if you want her to take you somewhere but if she asks you to do anything you act like you're being crusified. Chris asks you to take Aly to her Brownie meetings and you act like the world is coming to an end. This is for your daughter and you cant support something that she likes because its a slight inconvienence to you. You really don't have much else to do. If I knew I could get there on time every day, I would take her because it's good for her. She's developing social skills,
team work, community involvement and a good foundation that will help keep her off the streets when she's a teenager. And wathcing her show off her arts and crafts that they will be doing and bragging over what kind of cake she will be making is worth a little inconveince of driving her back and forth.
So no, I'm not going to call you right now or for the rest of the day. I'm affraid anything I say will only piss you off more than this letter already has. Thats what he wrote me. I feel num ,thats what I feel right now.