I didn't come home to attend my grandfather's funeral when I was in grad school. He lived in the same town and I seriously doubt could have picked me out of a line-up of 5 girls my age and if he could have it would have only been because I have really curly hair that is memorable.

I don't go back "home" for reunions even though I have heard that some people have had hurt feelings that I don't try. I have nothing in common with the people I grew up with and I don't want to go and re-live bad times for me.

I don't know where my father lives really and probably will not know when he dies. If I do I will not attend any funeral. He was abusive and I haven't seen him in almost 20 years.

I think it is completely reasonable to make the decision to avoid the funeral for the reasons you have stated. Send your father-in-law a card or something. Don't feel guilty.