I had the same thing when my cousin died... She had cancer for a long time and fought so hard to stay alive, had a little boy to look after. I wished so much that it was me instead. It was a dark period in my life. I had been suicidal for such a long time I think it was only natural I felt that way. While other people wouldn't have had the same thoughts, the fact I was jealous didn't make me a bad person. I was just struggling with my own stuff, as you are too.

As for not wanting to email your friend, I think that's ok too. She may not realise how hard it is for you to do that. Instead of a long email perhaps you could let her know how much you appreciate the gift but that you are not feeling up to emailing at this point. And then maybe say how you will keep hold of her email address for the time that you feel able to get in touch.

I hope you are feeling better about yourself soon, for what it's worth I think you're a great person



((((((Breadfish)))))))