What we feel, we feel. We don't choose to feel it, but we can choose to accept it.
You were jealous of someone who died. That's where you are at. It says nothing more about you, than you wish to be free of all the things that are making your life hard to live at the moment. Does death symbolise freedom, change, release? Is it so wrong to want those things when we are suffering?
Make space for the feelings, acknowledge them. Accept them for what they are.
You are not a "bad" person for feeling anything. You are you. Hugs