ok this is probably not going to make any sense but here goes

1 i am very depressed and ive been much more suicidal recently. i wont go through with it at least for now but i just want it to stop

2 exectuive functioning and avolition make it nearly impossible to do much more than lay in bed all day and watch youtube videos. i cant even concentrate on anything i need to do.

3 im staying w my gparents atm and then ill have to live w my cousins over the summer, but they wont let me stay unless i do something productive like take a class or get a job, and i cant even get the energy to submit the paperwork for that let alone actually show up every day

4 my mom keeps saying i need to do more to be helpful for my gma and gpa instead of just laying around and i know shes right and i feel guilty and it makes me even less able to get up

5 my mom and brother are moving to germany (im from the us) soon and thats really scary because my mom wont be around to help at all (even though she doesnt actually help me much)

6 i havent registered for classes or applied for loans and i have no idea how to do it and i dont want to ask my mom for help because shed just yell at me

7 i still have a gap this summer where i have nowhere to live and idk what to do about that

8 i feel worthless and lazy and guilty and pathetic

9 also something that has been a part of me for so long that possibly has to do with psychosis was this idea that i was special and important and i had to do something really big and important and as im realizing thats probably a delusion its making me feel lost and directionless

10 i might never be able to start my physical gender transition because i will be in debt and i cant even apply for a job let alone hold one

11 idk how to go about seeking help because a)i dont have insurance and its all so expensive and b) all the doctors ive seen recently have really been not helpful other than prescribing a different ssri which hasnt helped much.

12 i dont want to tell my friends because i dont want them to worry and i hate being a burden.

so yeah basically idk why i wrote this other than to vent and also hopefully maybe someone has advice or something idk. anyway thanks for reading i guess