Dear all, first of everything thank you very much for your support, comments and advices. They made me think a lot about things I already knew but that I didn't want to admit.
kvinneakt, you maybe are right and my girlfriend is not the right woman for me. But listen to this. She came with me when I was moved to my new work place because she loves me. Things haven't been easy since we are here living together but even we are arguing the most of time she is the only thing I have here and I am the only thing she has here too. Our families are 100 km far away and we cannot go there everytime we would like to. We have talked about that and we are trying pretty hard to make things go well but it's not easy. I know that life hides lots of surprises to all of us but we are living in the present and not in the future and it's very hard to answer to your questions because now I can only think about her (my married woman). I can learn that this is and will be the one and only time that this will happen to me. It's not much but it is more than nothing.
Heidu, you probably are righ in all your words but it's not easy to focus on my girlfriend when that other woman is always in my mind. A lot of days, when I wake up and I just open my eyes she is there, in my mind. The fact is that I understand perfectly her reasons. She has a beautiful family and I honestly know that it is normal that she has taken that choice. But in the other hand it's me. She knows that I'm very affected and depressed about this issue. She told me "I'm sorry because I know I hurted you a lot" some times, so we are aware about the problem. But I can't stop thinking about her. You should have seen or listen any of the e-mails or letters or conversations we used to have. We were really in love. Both!! ...I never could imagine that things would go like this.
heatherm, do you thing that I'm not respecting her decission or at least trying?? you're worng if you think that. But what it's also sure is that I can't live without her around me, in any way, right now. Two months have passed since she told me to stop our affair and I promise I've been trying as hard as I can to stop thinking about her as a woman and think about her as a colleague again. But that is not possible. I just can't. I'm quite better now compared to the beginning but the time is passing and I don't see a big improvement. That's getting me quite nervous too because I would like to feel myself better and I don't. I'm 30 and she's 31. I'm aware about what we have done. It's clear that it was a mistake but just recognizing that is not enough to me. I can't be like this.
SeptemberMorn, I won't lie to you. Although we never made love because she was very afraid about taking that step I can assure you that it is love what there is between us, and specially a hard sexual attraction. She is now auto-denying it because of her choice but I know that it is still there. It's impossible to dissapear from night to day. Our falling in love was progressive and inconscient, none of us wanted this to happen. Anyway you are right in one thing, in part I feel quite rejected and that is very painful.
To all, I just want to feel good. I don't want to keep this pain inside. I just want to feel like in the beginning.