yeah i just resumed treatment and a new therapist so im gonna try to figure things out this time around hopefully..
my symptoms just seem to be causing a lot of issues right now or something... realization of how sick i am causing mental breakdown every second of the day or something
and alot of other things i guess...

its just driving me crazy to have this memory problem.. really makes you want to give up because just keep forgetting everything anyway...i dont even know whats goin on anymore, days, weeks, months, years are just bleeding together.. not because of the substances or whatever though... probably hasn't helped me with processing anything... but my mind seems to be turning on me as im realizing how bad things are.. not with the substances, just mentally...
its so confusing... whatever is happening to me...
just makes you want to turn it all off for a little while... but the little while turns into days, weeks.. then next thing you know you've been messed up for a few years thinkin to yourself wow i just prolonged it even more, totally isnt helping...

~ on the road again~

the ultimate fear presents itself, you are paralyzed.. just need to get it out of my head...
because the more its coming up the more im reverting to the old habbits, pretty much only other coping skill i have .. and i was doing so well, but now i feel it raging inside full blaze saying to me i need it, i cant do this, put this fire out, please...

i dont remember writing this thread but i just keep telling myself that everything will be ok, i just try to seesaw back and forth just enough to keep from going too far one way or the other until someone can throw me a rope...
keep trying to talk to the therapist... but i feel insane... and i think poking these things as much as i have been is just making everything worse

is it really such a bad thing to give yourself a little break from time to time..? when you are suffering the rest of the time..?
i dont know what life would be like without pain