I drank hard to kill the pain and self medicate the mental illness for over 20 years. 11 years ago I tried to get sober for the first time - didn't take. Been in and out of recovery, rehabs, psych wards, ever since. I've messed up my brain bad.

Took me a long time to learn to function without alcohol. The first nine months I was sober I spent 2 months on a psych ward, then the next 7 months sitting on my couch staring out my window - forced myself to go out once a day to a Starbucks to get a coffee and a piece of cake, because I knew the cashier had to tell me to have a nice day.

Got some sober time and at 12 months got a job. Held it with a couple of minor relapses for 2 years, then got laid off in a restructuring. Lost it bad, relapsed bad, and been really struggling ever since.

Today is my 44 day sober. Longest I've been sober in about 18 months.

Somewhere a long the way I learned to knit - on one of my psych hospital admits. Now it keeps me sane. I can't knit and drink, and it helps me focus my mind. I'm not suggesting knitting solve everything, but a hobby can help. Is there something you've wanted to try?

I also play the harp. Again not something you can do when drinking. but even if you don't play an instrument, sometimes just blaring music helps, sometimes I listen to music deliberately that makes me cry, sometimes I listen to music that makes me dance. When I want music to make me keep going I listen to Springsteen.

My brain is finally starting to clear a little bit. Enough to know I want sobriety anyhow.

Hold on. Cry, Scream, Stomp your feet. Write your feelings, and tear it up. Do whatever it takes to not use.

Because it does get better.

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