(((Bacardi))),

Welcome to PC, I think if you are patient and give PC some time, you will come across some very supportive individuals that can not only relate to your challenge, but offer to listen and not pick on you and even help you along while you are waiting to find a new therapist.

First of all, what you have described as happening to you, and the age you were, how would you know what that other older boy said to you was wrong? Young children tend to be very trusting and inquisitive, and a 7 year old boy can "trust" an older boy much more then he should. What you did was explore as most children do, and in that exploration you experienced pleasure. What happened is your brain connected an association that later on, you began to really question. Also, it's possible that imprinted that experience as something that aroused you and you enjoyed it, but really in an innocent way. Keep in mind, children have SO LITTLE knowledge, they are very gullible, and a 7 year old can still believe Santa Clause is real too, think about that. And even when it's finally discovered that Santa Clause isn't real, an individual will always remember the joy of when they thought Santa Clause WAS real. If you just consider that one thing, in how the brain, even knowing Santa Clause in not real, will still enjoy the "idea of". Well, that is just how our brains work, is that BAD?

Children are very vulnerable when it comes to discovering sexuality, they explore and discover a lot more than is discussed. There are countless individuals that remember these experiences and once they do understand, "question" and even feel guilt and confusion. Also, the last thing admitted is that they even enjoyed whatever happened, they enjoyed it not really understanding it.

That would make sense if you think about it objectively. What you experienced had nothing to do with love, it was just about experiencing "pleasure" in a way you really did not understand at the time, of course you would not between age 7 to 10.

Does that mean you are bisexual? I honestly don't know, but it's understandable that a part of you developed a connection of how you can experience sexual pleasure.

Now, there is a really good movie about a man named Kinsey who made it a point to study sexuality. It stars Liam Neeson (sp?). I think you should make it a point to watch that movie because it was actually well done. I found myself wondering how I missed that book written by that man who spent a great deal of time studying human sexuality, especially at the time because that was something that so few actually talked about.

I can understand that the Xanex can be helpful. But what will be more helpful is taking some time to look at your challenge objectively because you are not the first to have the kind of sexuality challenge that you are describing. I really think if you make it a point to watch that movie, it will open your mind and you will be a lot more accepting of yourself because that is what you need the most IMHO.

I think you are being too open with the WRONG people, people that "still" have very little knowledge, and one thing these kind of people do is joke about whatever they simply do not understand. It's very rare to find a pier that has enough sophitication and KNOWLEDGE, to respond to you the way you not only need but deserve. The best way to combat that is "knowledge" and developing your ability to be more objective with that knowledge.

What happened to you when you were 7 will always be a part of you, but you don't have to allow that to ruin you for the rest of your life.