I don't even know where to begin, I am feeling helpless and exasperated. I don't want this to get moved to the Psychotherapy forum because I want advice from long-term sufferers of depression and not another condition.

I will be 35 years old next month, and have been in therapy almost continuously since I was 17. Over the years, I have had moods ranging from a low grade "on the back burner" depression to a total breakdown. I have never been hospitalized nor have I made a suicide attempt. In 2012, things got very bad for me, I had to go on partial leave from work for 3 months, and I started seeing a new therapist. This therapist's orientation was more CBT/eclectic whereas my previous therapist was psychodynamic. I kept plugging away and I got a little better, however the episodes kept happening where I just wanted to stay in bed all weekend and cut off everyone. Around December 2013 I started Abilify and things got a lot better for me, I felt great and started to become engaged in friends and hobbies, etc. Ten weeks later I crashed again, and soon after my therapist suggested that I find someone else because she felt that she did not have adequate training to deal with my case. She said she wouldn't terminate me because that would obviously be unhelpful, but she kept strongly encouraging me to find another provider during each session that followed.

I found someone else (through a referral of a referral) and terminated with the therapist above 2 years ago. This therapist was able to highlight issues surrounding my adoption that none of my other therapists bothered to emphasize enough. The adoption story is too long to go into, but let's just say it wasn't a typical case and it deeply affected my identity and ability to trust people. I started a new medication a year ago and it was the same old story like the Abilify - worked for a while, and then right back to the bottom.

I don't know if anyone else gets what I'm saying, but at this point, I am really, really, really tired of being a chronic "patient" and am sick of the routine. I feel totally pathologized (for lack of a better term) and like my mental illness is becoming my entire identity. In the past, opening up to a therapist or to loved ones used to lessen my burden. Now I feel worse when I do it because I'm re-entering my world of pain. I feel sick just typing this out right now. For the last few months I have felt horrible after leaving a therapy appointment and I have to assume my terrific acting skills, because then I have to go to work like nothing's wrong. A recent series of misunderstandings with my therapist hasn't helped things either, but I feel like my mood has been getting worse anyway. I am leaning towards not seeing her again, but I feel like I will have to start ALL OVER with a stranger and I don't feel like I am up to the task.

My current plan was to have two more sessions, this past Thursday and the coming Thursday, and then suspend therapy for 3 months and contact my therapist in October with a decision on whether or not to continue with her. Obviously, my therapist doesn't like this, but therapists don't like the very notion of taking breaks anyway. I can't say I blame them, because they think they are providing a helpful service. I ran this by my psychiatrist and he wasn't opposed to the idea if I felt like it wasn't helping anyway. Also, I am dealing with a lot of dental problems and I could use the money elsewhere for while.

A wrench was thrown into this plan when my therapist called on Wednesday and said she injured her back and could not meet Thursday. I said I was sorry she hurt herself, but I was adamant that I did not want this prolonged into yet *another* week, and that this Thursday will be it before the break. She said she was sorry that I felt that way, but she understood that I really want out of this for a while and she didn't want to aggravate the situation anymore by trying to convince me otherwise.

The only ray of hope I have as far as treatment goes is that my psychiatrist filed an aggressively argued, detailed appeal against my insurance company (for denial of treatment) with the assistance of his colleagues at the American Psychiatric Association. I am at the point where I really feel like psychotherapy is junk science. I was in psychodynamic therapy, I got worse, I went to CBT, I was kicked out of there, went back to psychodynamic, and now I feel worse again. I even did art therapy for a spell along with psychotherapy a few years ago and I didn't get anything out of it at all, even though I work in a creative field. I feel like all of my problems are MY fault and I am intrinsically damaged, because if they weren't, I would've gotten better a long time ago. I can't do simple things that *could* help myself like take more Vitamin D (I am deficient) or get bloodwork done because I can't remember to do it and it's too much work. I can't get out of bed if I don't have to be anywhere, I have insomnia, simple tasks that were easy for me a few years ago are now almost impossible to accomplish, I can't keep my place clean, I am avoiding people, and my feelings are easily hurt.

Has anyone else had this kind of attitude that I have right now towards the entire mental health profession? Did a break and "reset" help?