I've been thinking about my life lately. I don't know what to do.

Feeling extremely anhedonic. I'm scared and a bit paranoid.

I want to be energetic, have a life, friends, a girlfriend, money.

And I don't want to do drugs so I need to get that out of the way. I've been killing myself lately but I stopped completely.

My psychologist is a bit mad but I need actual help. It's the reason as to why I self medicate and it isn't just to stay awake. I have real problems.

I'm sitting in this stupid ****ing basement in the middle of no where with no future, no money, no family, no friends, no car.

My grandmother and family are offering to take me into Vicotoria in Vancouver to do studying, healing.

That means absolutely no ****ing around.

My mom and step dad are always drinking and fighting. I had enough.

I heard a new quote of my step dad against my dad, "At least I didn't put my son in a mental institution".

I WANT THIS ILLNESS TO GO AWAY. As do we all. I'm working on it. I felt better without the oral medication. Maybe I'm on too much.

I don't know what I want to be. I hope to somehow do something out of the ordinary. Something that will make me big money but not just yet.

I have dreams but I'm so scared of walking outside right now. I can't concentrate on reading a book and have I not said yet God holy **** this illness.