thanks....

sorry...

something is just really wrong with me...

frantic...
think i feel hysterical some time...
not trying to make anyone mad...

just know something is really wrong... and im trying...
but its a war.... im trying to not mess up...
but its near imposible when you cant think... cant focus... cant remember... anything... and angry, grrrrrrrr... so angry because of this breaking me...

how do you know whos hand to go with when you have 50 infinities pulling you in different roads...

im losing my mind... i not saying no one here doesnt understand...
because i dont know... but i do know that no one that i can see... that can see me... they dont understand... i dont think they can... im not sure anyone can because its all in my head... and its nor real...
but what is real anymore.... you know that feeling when you cant see through the rain, or when you are in such dark room that you cant see anything, put your hand in front and you feel that its there... but you have no proof... cant see it... start not to be able to feel it... lose yourself.... where did everyone go..? where did III go..?

ugh.... im reverting.... this what happens when you run out of options...

but im scared... because i wanted things to change.... i thought it could be fine, i just needed to focus.... stop medicating and self medicating and pretend with an illusion for a while... but then assuredly you will break and ... this... this happens... because you lied to yourself.... fool... you know...?

i just thought i could get by with simple depresion and anxiety, why did it have to complicate?
maybe i should of never looked for help.... no doctors... not sure if i would be alive right now due to over dose or some crazy shooting me or something...
but atleast i wouldnt be this.... like this whatever...

im sorry... im really tired.... and i cant do it anymore.... i break, its over, can stop torturing me please...

much loneliness and pain... but where do you go inbetween? how you can have this, and that... but you know... you lose the guide string along the way... it gets tangled and cut and split and mixed up and you dont know the way out or back...
eventually you forget what color the string is... and other strings are there from other peoples that are different colors... and you argue because you think its this one but cant remember and are mad because you also think it could be this one...

but im just here sitting in the middle now... with a scisor wanting to just cut them all and sit here for ever... why go anywhere.... every directions a trap... there is no espape...
so why not just sit here and stair at the ground... the rocks and bugs are atleast distracting more than the pain to try...

but i cant, i tell myself i have to keep going, i am just not believing the fruit anymore.. its not worth it, you know...
nothing happens but it gets worse... but its always been worse... just you start to see how worse it is... and then it really does get worse...

i dunno ... anymore... nothing makes sense and i feel like a stupid dumby trying to just ... i dont even know what im doing here anymore... is this what people do to reach out...?

i dont want attention... dont look at me.... just give me a rope please...
sorry....

these are my finals attempts at saving a soul... if i ever had a soul...
i think i know what a human is suposed to be... and im trying....