can i just add one more thing...
a big part of what is bothering me, is that it seems im just being a stupid idiot
i find myself somewhere else and realize that i have all these problems but for the past undetermined amount of time i was unaware even...
and it really pisses me off because if im just making stuff up i want to stop being a little cry baby ***** and go on with the other side where im just unaware and can be fine, whatever the hell happens in that state...
::edits::
hmm... i just cant seem to say what i want.. but i guess thats what happens when you are foncused(woah... confused..) and not know even the words... well... i really did enjoy little time i spent here on these forums... i never talk to anyone.... it was nice when i could... but now im a stupid mess... hehe its like cut someones hand off and tell them its always been like that over and over, you start to wonder... so when you tell yourself everything is normal over and over... you have to re learn what is not ok and what is not... like... you are not supposed to feel that way... stuff...
i know i cant hide it anymore... im just a crazy... but i feel like everyone is looking, and they are like.. no no no no you just want attention and your upset because you dont want to feel abandoned... and im just like dudes... i just wanna be left alone.... i just thought i could get better... i have NEVER wanted any attention from anyones... but now im in a place where people are staring and there is no way out, because i know i need help... and everyone else knows sometimg is wrong with me...
this is why i never talked before... i hate talking... but i dunno what im supposed to do now because there is no way out....
i just wonder if anyone knows what i mean... im going to forget again for some ... hours probably... and then come back and be like this sucks... but... i dunno... im tired...
please dont take me the wrong way.. dont take me ANY way... at all... i dont have any angles and dont want anything special...
its just hard... losing your mind.... and ... well... yeah.... all of that....
i know im not making sense... but my head.... im trying to do best i can...
you have to becareful not to make things worse... so easy... to just make everything bad bad bad bad.....
::
so hard to just try to bring myself to a place like this anymore...
how can i do what the therapist wants me to do and meet with others...
make myself sick...
::
one last edit because i keep forgetting what the hell i wrote here, none of this makes sense, so dont get mad at me for sounding like a complete moron -- keeping myself away with a steel chain and spikes