Hi,
What you shared touched some really raw nerves for me, and also maybe threw some light on something.

On the one hand, what Rayna said, like its 'all part of the consequences/ amends' arising from the addiction, and - these consequences are terribly random, rather 'Russian rulette' style!, BUT, also, the problem - as I would experience it - would be that doing recovery because someone in authority has told me to, would endanger the heart and soul of my recovery - which is a deep desire for truth and decency, as well as desperation of course...

So, I imagine, it'd be a bit like, well, - 'here come some particularly insulting cosequences', .....

but.......... YOU know why you're doing your programme whater else is going on.

My particular set of ussues includes feeling 'being appropriated from', so, when I started talking to one of the Ts who were trained in PD.s and she also knew about the programme, she asked me........."do you have a sponsor?, how long have you been abstinent?, its a spiritual programme you know!..." well, I was amused, flabberghasted, insulted, and triggered! I'd never been spoken to like that before,
specially by someone outside the programme, I'd always done my programme for reasons inside myself, I've gone to many lengths, done service, conventions abroad, its no but deal, we all do in the programme, but never needing to be told by someone else, not in that way! I kind of liked the idea of abdicating to her too! thats the disorder, everything went squewiff inside me, she got into mly head, and where I was once a person in recovery from my own separate centre of initiative, suddenly, I was 'being her child, being good', living via her, she got caught in my 'neural loop, my sense of self syphoned off into her, my internal saboteur had a field day, and formed a bond with her to undermine me, all that was my experience, .. Thats the f------ disorder............

its actually, a deadly thing, subtly removing ones life, bit by bit, from inside.

And yet, by God she understood me, (in other ways), as I have never been understood before and as I longed to be understood.... can you imagine the inner coflict.........??

Hey, I'm so sorry, I completely have got carried away, but I guess I have been carrying all this and hearing you, just opened the flood gates for me,

And it all started with a drivers licence!

thanks for listening, I hope i'm understandable, and thank you for helping me to begin to get all this out into safe hands. theres loads more, but I shoud probably start my own share rather than hitch hiking onto someone elses.

river