thankz...
you know i would not care about being crazy, really.. like super super crazy crazy, like climbing the walls with toilet plungers and spitting on people saying im shooting them with spider webs, you know???
but im having so many issues that i cant even explain... and i dont even want to try because i feel like it would just make me sound stupid... not crazy.. but just stupid... and the last thing i want is to look stupid... or like i want attention... because just acting like you want attention can draw attention, even if people ignore you...
and i dont
so my words get twisted because of not wanting to say things this way or that... because im not going to look crazy.. im just going to look stupid, you know what i mean?
and im already so so so so down below what im suposed to be.. my brain is nooootttt worrrkinggggg grrrr...

how do you talk about something you want to talk about but cant, how do you say something that wont come out in words?

another bad part about simply being crazy is that you are simply not allowed to be crazy.... not by the outside but the inside doesnt want any problems... just leave me alone repeats... leave me alone.... but im not that stupid... i know there is a problem and i cant just let it go like nothing because something bad bad will eventually happen... and very soon it feels like....

so sad.... but when you disconnect and go away there is not anything to do, you just end up realizing that nothing has changed.. that you havent been able to make any progress, and that you are drunnkkk grrr.... but thats ok... atleast i am here....

but im so retarded... i know i just spent atleast probably the last 4 hours playing cards with myself, talking to myself, or arguing, intermittently ..
simply cant get a grip... everytime i think i do... i float away and end up in an arguement... then i get mad at myself for allowing something so stupid to happen and ... arguing with yourself? what a dumb stupid ... grrrr...

but i just trying to tell myself that im disconnecting so much that its causing things like that... and that its ok... i dont believe it... that its ok...
but no one else knows so no one else can tell me... its just taking too much to fight everything, me... inside... outside... them... the doctors... my head is spinning...

im just an idiot....
overwhelmed....
and its making me be foolish.... and i dont have the mental capacity to control whatever it is... because i slip out and the energy goes some where else and then i start to realize it and get mad because im already mad about other stuff so i just get mad about being mad and not even knowing .. what... blah....

i make myself sick... when its not flashbacks its MEE, when its not depression is MEEEEE, when its not panic attack or heart attack or any other kind of bloody thing is always me.... how stupid do you have to be to keep that up.... ugh

and here i am.... im here... im here....
so much pain....