Oh man, I am really hypomanic and didn't realize it. I went to the library yesterday to return two books and pick up one. The library was closed.

This is where is gets bad. I'd only slept four hours on my Geodon which is unprecedented almost. I'm usually asleep for 12 hours. Sometimes more. But I thought I was okay, the depression had lifted, life was good. My anxiety was low. I didn't feel sky-high.

But my inner logic was gone. I decided to go to a local Italian restaurant- I was frustrated the library was closed and just thought I would go do something else since I was out. I don't get out much so it was kind of a big deal.

The plan was to eat but I only had $12. I don't keep my debit or credit cards with me because I have spent 60K in one year on manic shopping sprees. So yeah.

This is when I should have gone home because $12 for a sit down lunch isn't enough. Instead, I broke my rule. I decided to go have one glass of wine.

Turns out it was two-for-1. Cool! Or so I thought. Turns out that was not the case.

I decided to text my boyfriend to tell him I was drinking at the restaurant. I just wanted to be honest. I felt OK to drive. Fortunately he drove over and I am so glad.

I was SO smashed for some reason! Smashed in that he was wondering if someone put a roofie in my drink or I was having a bad reaction to my newest med, Lexapro.

Anyway, he safely got me home but we left my car there. I have no memory of this. I collapsed- not fell. Collapsed three times in his front yard alone. I put a huge scratch on my car from my belt sliding against it. From falling.

He had me get in bed but apparently I got up a few times. Every time I fell. He literally was worried I was going to die. He said I was being obstinate but I had no idea of the state I was in.

He cut and bruised his foot while he was showering - he saw me get out of bed and I was falling and he wanted to catch my fall. Everything at his house is tile and I have very low blood pressure. Every med I take has a dizziness warning on the bottle label.

I had been smoke free but smoked two cigarettes. Inside. Not like me.

He thinks I might have a concussion. I have bruises in a few places and got some sleep after dosing up with more Geodon and Klonopin.

I don't know how long I slept. Not a long time but better than four hours.

So, yeah. I drank and somehow got extremely wasted. I'm back on track with no alcohol and no smoking. I barely remember anything. I thanked him so much for caring for me. He kissed me and said that sometimes we all need some care in life. He's awesome.

I took Effexor a long time ago when I was self-medicating. It made one drink feel like five drinks.

I think Lexapro may be the same for me.

I'm ok but my mood changed to quickly to mild depression to hypomanic (manic)? I mean, I was bummed the library was closed and with no compunction went right to a bar? And I don't drink? Geez.

I kind of feel like this is a confessional and I did something wrong. I did learn a lesson. My boyfriend and I are fine but he was worried about me a lot.

I'm taking my meds as usual and I don't have anywhere I have to be until tomorrow. Fortunately my daughter is at her dad's right now so no issue there.

I think maybe I feel taken aback. I was diagnosed 10 years ago and this disease still shocks me. But I guess it was my fault. It's scary how fast things can get crazy. I'm glad nothing super bad happened.


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